Tigers Underwater

The only clear memory I have in my dream last night is I was by a clean and clear, very blue, flowing river. I was with a group of people I can’t remember who. While we were walking across the river, an image of a vibrant, orange and black striped tiger began to appear and it was walking underneath the water!

I can say that it was an amazing event since the people I was with began to celebrate and pointed with cheer to the creature under the water. During this celebration, I was thinking how amazing it was because tigers cannot breath underwater, can they? And the fact that they were walking so gracefully without being disturbed by the continuous stream of the river.

The number of tigers continued to rise. And the next thing I know, the setting was shifted to the right side of the river. On the banks of the river, there were people who seemed to be enjoying the good weather and nature surrounding them. I was kind of panicking at this time because there was a child standing on the edge of the bank, dancing. But the people didn’t fret. Maybe they didn’t know there were wild animals approaching. This time, lionesses were joining the tigers going towards and up the bank, when all of a sudden the little girl who was dancing cheerfully fell to the ground where the beasts were headed to. I remember screaming and the people started to panic and were trying to see what was happening.

The tigers and lionesses were slowly approaching the calm little girl when her mother rushed to where the commotion is happening. She was demanding these animals to release her child, based on my observation, I think she was just trying to look brave at that time but deep inside she was trembling hardcore!~

At first, the beast just stared at the mom like they were contemplating on what to do. But the others continued to walk slowly towards the little girl until their noses formed a circle around her.

This was the surprising and confusing part. You know when we are trying to haggle in the market and then the seller is just hard as a nut to be convinced, and then you start to walk away nonchalantly to make it look like you are not interested and then for sales purposes, the seller would give in and give you the discount… Well, the situation in my dream was like this. The mother then turned her back to the lionesses and tigers, then the little girl was free. Then I woke up.

Swimming With My Books

Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a dark, kind of pond or river with my cousins. I can’t remember well if the weather was cool or hot, but I kind of remember that it was at night and the place we were swimming in was crowded with other different people but I can singularize each of my family members there. Around us, there are hints of trees like the ones your see in mangroves, and a mountain but the moon isn’t present and neither are the stars. The water was like tainted with the squid’s black ink and the waves beats on a slow steady rhythm.

We were laughing, and just the normal us when we are together. Then all of a sudden the state of this body of water we were swimming in became raging. And then all of a sudden I was on top of a cliff made up of huge, heavy, stones stacked together and it has levels. On each level there are cottages with different sizes and different shapes but I cannot picture them well.

I was looking for my family. I was panting and running but I wasn’t shouting any of their names but I am pretty sure I was looking out for them because when I saw one of my nieces I felt relieved.

Right after seeing her, I was now running inside what seemed to me like a hotel inside a big ship that was very bright and there were white box chairs with gray synthetic leather cushions, with a round table in the middle that was braced around with a white cylindrical metal. I can’t remember if there were people inside as well, but I can remember their bags lay in the caged box seats. It is like we are ready to voyage the great sea. At this point, I have no idea why I am running and still searching for something.

Then the scene shifted again, this time I was talking to my father and I was looking for my books now. It seemed that we were back again outside the cliff made by the stacked stones since it got dark and I can see the cottages again. He told me I should ask my mother about this because she knew where to find them.

I can’t remember talking to her but I was now at this cottage with worn out roof held together by worn out woods, under it are small white plastic chairs that looked very similar to what we had in our Sunday school. It’s overlooking a dark and windy place I haven’t even been to. There are some toy boxes too with blackboards and laminated papers pinned on it that seemed to be like hand outs or rules for the school. Then the children begin to scramble their feet to the room so I fled.

I was now in this abandoned cottage with a very very old bookshelf and I saw some of my books there. By then I realized that I was holding on to some of my books and then I stacked them together.

Before I woke up, I am now in the old room of my sister with all the books in my hand and I was trying to discuss something to her. Then, I heard my alarm.

FRET, YOU MUST NOT!

I’ve been dreading this day to come. Because we are going to play on Rakista Radio for the second time. The first time, I can’t say it didn’t go well because it really helped boost the band’s name but there are numbers of people who didn’t accept our version of Killing in the Name by RATM really well.

There are so much hate! Never in my wildest dreams did I  think someone would feel so much hatred towards me. Although, there are so many people who were so supportive and kind and very appreciative of what we did… I am very grateful for you!

I want to show people that I’m not affected by these hate comments. That I am strong and I don’t care about them (some are really demoralizing and some are unexpectedly coming from someone we know).

It is just occurring to me now what we are about to do again. For a whole a week, I felt so down and I don’t want this day to happen. They snatched my confidence out of me! It hurts! Because it took me years to gain that self confidence and it only took one comment to tear it all down to the ground.

But I told myself, whatever happens today or the next day, whether we receive love or hate, whether we get noticed or not, I am going to do this for myself and to those who believe in us.

At the end of the day, what matters the most is that I tried and I won’t have what ifs in the future.

At least, I tried and I live.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

I learned:

• Bessie Smith 
• peau de soie heels
• The Times They Are A-Changin’ by Bob Dylan
• Emilio Pucci

Fave Parts/Lines:

• “Cause that’s the way prayers do. It’s like electricity, it keeps things going.”
• “remembering can be almost as good as what actually happens.”
• “Ever morning, until you dead in the ground, you gone have to make this decision. You gone have to ask yourself, “Am I gone believe what them fools say about me today?”
• “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”
• “We are just two people. Not that much separates us. Not nearly as much as I ‘d thought.”

My thoughts:

The book is about breaking the terrible discrimination happening in Jackson, Mississippi, in the early 1960s. There are three main speakers in the book: Aibileen, Skeeter, and Minny. Aibileen and Minny are both colored maid/help and Skeeter is a white young women with a wealthy family who owns a cotton farm. In my own understanding, Skeeter was at first trying to find a career in New York City as a writer and luckily she was given a chance but only if she would get the appropriate experiences first. So she did, sending off a letter of ideas of what is disturbing her mind to the editor in NYC, and getting a job as one of a segment writer in their town’s newspaper. But then she realizes that the things she sent off to the editor wasn’t what she was really thinking of, instead, those were the things she thinks would probably pique the editor’s interests.

As the story unfolds, Skeeter then got the idea of writing about the colored maids’ perspective of serving for the white families in their town. It was actually an idea from Aibileen’s son, before he died from a dreadful accident, he was writing about a colored working man’s perspective.

Fueled by Skeeter’s compassion and love to her old maid Constantine, who she found out later on in the book that she died because of an unsaid reason, she pushed through writing the book despite the knowledge, but not really understanding the weight of the consequences if she was ever caught mingling with colored helps.

To cut the long story short, it was a risk they all bravely took and in the end, it gave them all the freedom– even though not yet completely,  and a stirring in their small town about discrimination.

But what I really cannot get out of my mind after reading the author’s, Kathryn Stockett, acknowledgements and thanks at the end of the book, is how she had described herself in the character of Skeeter. How she and Skeeter were very successful in publishing a book.

My heart aches. I can’t help but feel so panicked! How come there are so many successful people who seemed to have achieved all of these with ease (Although, I know it is never easy, and I also read how 60 literary agents rejected her work after five years of hardship working on the book.)

This is what I want for myself. To make a difference. And I am so obsessed with it. One day, I know what I have to do and I know what I want for sure, but now I am so lost. I don’t even know where to begin. But I am not giving up hope.

Playlist # 2: From a movie

This second playlist that I created falls under the category of OSTs because I learned all about them in a movie! Can you guess what movie this is?

1.) Futile Devices (Doveman Remix) by Sufjan Stevens
2.) Germination by Ryuichi Sakamoto
3.) Words by F.R. David
4.) Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens
5.) Love My Way by The Psychedelic Furs
6.) Lady Lady Lady by Joe Esposito
7.) Visions of Gideon by Sufjan Stevens

YES! It is from the movie Call Me By Your Name. I am so obsessed with this movie because everything fits perfectly with everything! The music, the place, the cast, the aesthetic, the story line, everything! This is where I learned about Sufjan Stevens, who is another musical genius, he makes these very dreamy songs that’ll make you float!

But what I love most about this playlist (although there are only 7 tracks on it…) is that it is a mix of modern and 80s disco vibes but it coexist in one movie! My fave part is the disco part where they played Love My Way where Oliver was carelessly dancing and then apparently Armie Hammer said in one of their interviews that he was so awkward at that time since he had to dance sans music.

 

Chef Erika

I don’t look like it but I am a good cook! Well, minus the fact that I almost burnt our house because I was frying fries and completely forgot about it!

This cooking hobby of mine started when PK got sick one time, he requested for Sinigang na Baboy, of course the caring girlfriend I am needed to attend to her sick boyfriend, so even though I had zero experience in cooking I immediately googled how to cook  it.

I should have known better that if you go out after lunch there wouldn’t be any meat and other produce available at the market since some closes for siesta, I guess. Or maybe because PK’s house location is just very probinsya that you have to go to the bayan for a Puregold.

Luckily there was a mobile market who was selling bangus. So I cooked him Sinigang na Bangus. It was a success!

The next day he requested for Ginisang Monggo. So, super girlfriend to the rescue, messaged his mom asking how to cook it, and immediately went to the store nearby and bought some monggo seeds and harvested a generous amout of malunggay leaves from his garden since his mom said I should put a lot because he is sick and it’d be helpful for him.

I was happy and proud of the result and I served it to my boyfriend, and then finally he said “Bakit parang caterpillar ako dito. Para kong kumakain ng dahon.” So, I tasted it and true enough it has a strong leafy taste. Weird, cause malunggay shouldn’t taste like that when cooked. He found out later on that the malunggay I used was actually the leaves from a FIRE TREE! I mean, come on, they look very similar! Well, don’t judge me now because I learn from my mistake. (I’m grateful, though. Because I have a happy consumer here. He eats everything I cook for him with a grateful smile, or so I think…)

But I got better. Trust me! The reason I made this category in my blog is because I easily forget the procedure and the measurements I use for a perfectly made dish. This is going to be my cookbook that I would really like to share with my readers, who are good cooks, too! Stay tuned!

This Monday…

Was postponed to June 5, 2019. It took me a while to have my check up arranged since I had to file it as a leave because I wanted to be calm when I get whatever the result is. And we all already know that my option isn’t only limited to having the spine surgery, I am so blessed to choose from having the therapy but only to maintain where my curve’s at and of course to lessen the future pain. I don’t feel back pain now which the doctor told me that I was very lucky!

Anyway, as I was sitting there in his clinic’s comfortable sofa, my stomach churning, and my mind kept on praying, Doc Ed told me the consequences and how other doctors would press the dangers of scoliosis if not treated;  difficulty in breathing, the heart and other vital organs will be squashed inside you, difficulty in pregnancy, and so on, but he reassured me that this won’t happen, yet!

It was getting so hard to swallow at this point, but it got better. All this time I knew that I had two curves, the top and then the lower part, but then I learned that the lower part wasn’t a true curve, it is kind of like a compensation curve. After this, Doc Ed now examined my flexibility to know what to expect after having the therapy, and God really answers prayer because he said that he is hopeful that we are not going to do the therapy just for preventive measures but to improve my curve meaning there are chances of getting my curve lesser. I’m already at 60.1 degrees and the lower part is at 30+. Scary, I know!

Now, that isn’t the scariest part. He recommended me to have the therapy for 6 months, 3 times a week. This costs approximately PHP70K+!!! Where do I get that money?!?

It got me thinking; what happens now? Can I afford this? If I ask money from my partner, parents, and family, they would gladly help me out and I would be really thankful but it’d be very uneasy and uncomfortable for me because I would constantly think that I am being a burden to these people.

Thankfully, I am not alone! Because it turns out there are many people among my friends who has the same situation.

These are the things I learned so far; 1.) Apparently Phil Health doesn’t cover or reimburse unless it is an accredited hospital and only if it is a confinement and as of now they still don’t have reimbursements for therapies BUT I could try and file for it and it is subject for approval. 2.) You can get PWD I.D. and enjoy the discounts and benefits of it. 3.) There are HMOs that cover these expenses but I think I found the right doctor  and clinic but unfortunately they are not accredited by my HMO.

I am worried, to be honest, that I would ruin my savings plan, that I am not earning enough money for the future, but then I realized that I should put my health above all, because if I have all the savings and money and I am not healthy, then it is a total waste!

Playlist # 1: Night Drive Vibe

Being in a band, we are always asked the same question over and over again; “What’s your taste in music?”

I don’t know if I am the only one, but mine really varies.

Like for example, last month I was obsessing over Ariana Grande’s songs and KPOP, and then the other month was all 90s songs and some country music, and the most recent ones are Lo-Fi Hip-hop and OSTs.

So, I think I will regularly make a playlist of songs just so we can keep track of the songs I listen to. I’m so thankful for Spotify because it is easier to find and listen to new music.

I made this playlist on my account, Erika David, I named it Night Drive Vibe.

1.) Harmony to My Heartbeat by Sally Seltmann
2.) Summer Love by MAY
3.) Honey Come Dance with Me by MAY
4.) Bliss by Navy Blve Pants
5.) 21st Century Machine by Catie Turner
6.) Breeze by Mitch Murder
7.) ILYSB – STRIPPED by LANY
8.) Tell Me (Feat. Saoirse Ronan) by Johnny Jewel
9.) Baby Blue Eyes by A Rocket To The Moon
10.) Chateau by Angus & Julia Stone
11.) Grizzly Bear by Angus & Julia Stone
12.) The Only Thing by Sufjan Stevens

I usually listen to this playlist whenever I go to work since I leave really really early, even before the sun rises. And I really enjoy it. Hope you enjoy it, too!

The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

Things I learned while reading:

• In flagrante delicto (adverb) – in the very act of wrongdoing, especially in an act of sexual misconduct. The colloquial “caught red-handed”
• Dorothy L. Sayers
• Chignon
• don (verb) – put on (an item of clothing)
• Alcove
• Hans Christian Anderson
• Joseph Cornell

Lines:

• Why is love intensified by absence?
• We fuck carefully, silently.
• Then she remembers, accepts it, and in this moment I love her more than life.
• I love you, always. Time is nothing.

My thoughts:

While you are reading the current chapter your mind is kind of already aware of what’s going to happen next. At least, this is how I felt reading it. Everything is already laid out, no shocking moment, you just wait for it to unfold but this time with the clarity and the solid reason why things are the way they are.

It got me thinking, what if this is the truth in life? What if everything is already laid out for us? Like, we live here subconsciously following the tracks that is already traced out to the path of our future. We cannot change anything at all because it is all bound to happen anyway.

And it scared me. Because, what if I didn’t like what’s planned out in my future and I am just here meaninglessly fighting for what I believe in and want to be? But on the other hand, what if what I wanted to become is what I really am supposed to be in the future, then, we’re kind of like stuck in a role play all our lives. And THAT IS CRAZY!

Anyway, the book was a total tearjerker, I can’t even imagine what is it like to be Clare; waiting for Henry all her life. My heart was nipped by the thought of being alone while you anxiously wait for your husband to come back to the present, wishing he is fine.

I am equally pained by Henry’s situation here. I mean, he didn’t want all of this to happen, being snatched from your present either back to the past or fast forward to the future, forcing you to all of these things. It’s heartbreaking!

Nonetheless, the experience of reading the book is really a good one!

What Am I Here For?

I just noticed. Or maybe this is just a feeling? I am becoming boring! Boring as in lifeless, no appetite for fun, sooooo tired, and all that shit. I feel like something is sucking the life out of me. I don’t have the energy and interest to do anything! When we are at gigs, all I want to do is sleep in the car. When I am out with my friends all I think about is my bed at home.

I told my boyfriend about this and he asked me one question: “What do you think is the cause of this?”

So, I pondered. I evaluated myself.

Is it because I’m on PMS and I’m going to have my period? No. I got through it already and I still feel the same.

Is it because of the band? Probably not. Because I really enjoy performing and it’s the only exercise I do that makes me sweat.

Maybe work? Maybe.

Is it because I am restless? TOTALLY!

And then PK (my boyfriend) told me that I should just enjoy and endure this period of my life because it’s normal. Then he made me a song right then and there. I was so jealous! Because he finally found his talent and this is what he really REALLY wants to do.

So, I said, “Sana ako din mahanap ko na yung talent ko.” almost tearing up. (Even typing it now makes my heart sink.)

Some would say, but you already found it, by your performance through MAY. If I have to be honest, being part of MAY is so awesome and I am always humbled to be a member here. But for me, MAY is a shared dream.

I want to have something of my own.

I am so scared of never finding out my purpose. I don’t want to live like a dead person because I have no purpose in this lifetime.

Despite all of it, I am still hopeful. I will look forward to the day when I finally find out what I’m here for.